Nothing Worth Having
I’d like to say that family is the most important thing to me and has been my entire life, but that wouldn’t be entirely truthful. For a very long time my family was placed on the back burner, sometimes even forgotten about, because the new life I had chosen to pursue didn’t have room for loved ones or family. There was only room for me and my drugs, while everything else was tossed aside.
Looking back at everything that happened over the course of my addiction, one of my biggest regrets is the extreme disconnect that my addiction caused between me and my family. I broke trust with every single person in my family by lying, stealing, and taking advantage of their kindness when all they wanted to do was help and love me to no end. I can't count how many opportunities I was given by my family to come home, be loved, and be accepted if I gave up the drugs. I just never did it. I went on breaking their hearts until they finally had enough and pushed me out.
My uncle, who I would call the “godfather” of my family, woke me up from a dead sleep screaming “where is the money!” over and over. I was so dazed from the night before I didn’t even know who he was at first. Apparently, I snuck into the family safe and decided to make it a bit lighter. I don’t even remember doing it. That was the last straw for most of my family and they told me that they were done with the monster I had become.
All of them left, my uncle, cousins, father, brother, all gone from my life. All except the woman I hurt the most and that was my mother. My mom has always been my biggest fan, my unwavering supporter, even to this day. Back when I was touring and playing music, I remember her standing out in a crowd of people that certainly were not her age or her “scene.” It didn’t matter because her son was playing a show and she wanted to show her support because she loves me.
I had broken and thrown away all the trust and love I had with my family all for the chase of a 30-minute feeling I eventually grew to hate. It was like being in an abusive relationship where one person will not leave the other because they think it will somehow work out and be okay despite all the signs saying otherwise.
Getting clean was the greatest decision I could have ever made in my life. Going through what I went through, one may not think I would come out on the other side completely intact, but I did. I made the decision to change and fix things in any way that I could. I was on the phone with my mom the other day and she told me that my uncle asked how I was doing. She broke into tears because this man, this father figure who had not asked or spoken of me in close to 4 years, was asking how I was doing. There is a lot I still need to do to reconnect with my family and loved ones and make up for all of the lost time and memories that I missed out on, but for him to simply ask how I am doing means the door is still there and it’s beginning to open up again.
My family is seeing the type of man I have become since I got rid of all the toxic behavior and terrible life choices I was making. Because of that, I have the chance to come home. There is a saying “nothing worth having comes free.” That applies here, because my family is absolutely something worth having and getting them back will certainly not be free. I need to work and prove myself to them again and I’m just grateful I am alive to even be given that chance.
Jordan M., Narconon Suncoast Graduate