It’s Time to Wake Up and Make a Change

I wake up at 11 a.m. and check my phone to see if my dealer has texted me. I have been such a good “client” to him, giving him all my money, that he hits me up every day just to let me know he is ready to meet. I get up and pick up a shirt from my dirty clothes pile in the corner of my car, it doesn’t smell as bad as the others, so I’ll throw this one on today. Sleeping in your car isn’t as glorious as the car commercials make it out to be. It’s cold, it’s uncomfortable, and most importantly it’s not a home.

I had a job interview at 12:30 p.m. today, but my guy was running late serving other people and of course, I couldn’t go until I was high, so I missed it. Now it’s on to a full day of using and figuring out where I am going to get the money for my next fix. The $100 I spent this morning is already gone. It’s only 4 p.m. and I don’t want to be sick in the morning, so I need to figure this out. I call mom and ask for money, a no-go with her because she’s onto my game. I call some friends and tell them I am in trouble, but nobody picks up the phone anymore. I try and overdraft my bank account or open a credit card somewhere, but I already owe the bank thousands from doing that before. I got it! I’ll find something to pawn, those guys at the shop like me, so I’m sure they will help me out. I spend hours taking apart my car in order to pull out the car speakers in the door (because who needs music anyway) and bring them into the pawnshop.

Two hours of work earned me all of $60, but hey it was enough to get me what I needed for the rest of the night. Now I just need to figure out how to get the money for when I wake up tomorrow morning.

This is the life I live over and over for years on end. It finally gets to the point that I can’t weasel money out of anyone and I have nothing left to pawn or sell. My mind is beginning to tell me that the time has come to give up the drugs and clean myself up, become the man I’m meant to be. My body, on the other hand, tells me that I need the drugs and I’ll die without them. One day, I’ll live a life where I don’t need drugs or alcohol every day and can completely function as a regular person. While that sounds amazing, I’m still not sold. I don’t want to have to deal with myself again, my fears and emotions. Using suppressed all those for a time. I didn’t want to face or confront my issues of inadequacy which is how this all started in the first place. Using gave me an escape from the turmoil of living with myself. At least, that’s how I thought as an addict.

“Every day I get to go to bed knowing that I am helping save lives from the hell known as addiction. I couldn’t ask for a higher calling in life. I’ve found my purpose.”

I imagine what my life will look like five years down the road: I get to work after getting up at 6 a.m. to go to the gym with one of my coworkers. I sit at my desk and pull out my laptop, which isn’t sitting in a pawn shop somewhere, I get to use it and enjoy it. I call my mom. She answers on the first ring and asks me how my day is going. I tell her how amazing it is. The students come into class ready to start their day. I have their respect because they know I have been through the same struggles they have and now I am here with the opportunity to help them get through it, the same way others helped me once. Every day I get to go to bed knowing that I am helping save lives from the hell known as addiction.

I couldn’t ask for a higher calling in life. I’ve found my purpose.

—Jordan M, Narconon Suncoast Graduate