“I believe in miracles now
because I am truly experiencing complete
I always dreamed about the moment my family would get their daughter back. I would envision it and play the scenarios in my head but it was fleeting and quickly replaced with how or where I was going to get my next fix. I couldn’t function and put the little energy I did have into getting my next high and the one after that. This vicious cycle continued for over fifteen years.
Yes, I abused alcohol and marijuana but nothing had a grip on me like opiates. That’s when I became trapped. I remember the day I looked in the mirror and I knew I was addicted and I said to myself:
“I’ll stop soon, it’s not that bad yet.”
That was in 2003. I put myself through so many situations that I still don’t know how I’m still here writing this today. My family would approach me with the usual questions and concerns. They’d ask me:
“Why can’t you stop?
They’d give me ideas of what they thought would help me to get out of this Hell on Earth I was slowly dying in. I would get annoyed and go use more drugs because I definitely didn’t want to face the withdrawals or the racing thoughts that would start. I had convinced myself that I was crazy and during the last few months before I came to Narconon I had accepted that I was a junkie and I was going to die a junkie.
In some sick way I had found a way to make peace with that. I didn’t try to hide my drug addiction anymore. I mean, you can’t hide that type of lifestyle for long. I didn’t care anymore and I was so weighed down by all the terrible things I had done and experienced that I no longer saw my reflection in the mirror or the people right in front of me. I didn’t see how I was killing my parents inside. My mom and dad had also accepted that I was going to die. It may sound harsh, but there is only so much others can do for you if you’re not willing to help yourself.
I remember when my mom told me she was going to put “she did it her way” on my tombstone. That was hard to swallow but I piled on more drugs to numb the negative emotions. Who wants to feel anything anymore when complete misery has taken over? I thought I was broken. I thought that I had done so many drugs that I had completely destroyed myself and would never feel happy or free again. I also felt the weight of my guilt from what I had put my amazing, loving family through. I had reached the point in my life that I thought my family would be dead before I got control over my life. I thought they would never get to see their daughter happy again. This continued to weigh me down. I felt so heavy.
I believe in miracles now because I am truly experiencing complete happiness. I compare it to being brought back from the dead. There is nothing I would change about what I went through in my past. Not one thing. Some may say I wasted a lot of years but I learned from those dark, hard times.
I was finally reunited with my family after four months. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. They were witnessing their daughter, who was lifeless in December, be a brand new person. Someone who is happy, caring and loves life now. Someone who they can laugh with and enjoy. Someone they can actually sit down and have a meal with.
When they pulled up at Narconon after a 15-hour drive from Kentucky, I’m not sure if they even recognized me standing in front of the building. The reunion was great! There were tears of joy for the first time in a long, long time. I hugged them tight and when we looked at one another, I could see the relief in their eyes. Here I was, smiling and healthy.
There was a special moment that I’ll never forget and I’m so grateful to have shared it with them. We were finishing eating dinner and waiting to pay and my dad and I looked at one another and smiled. I grabbed his hand and said:
“Dad, I’m going to be okay now.”
At that moment, I believed it with all my heart. I am going to be okay. In fact, I’m going to be more that okay. I’m going to live.