I Now Love Myself
I was a child, wanting love and believing that behavior brought love. If I wasn’t “needy,” wasn’t an inconvenience, wasn’t a burden, I’d be loved. This caused me to jump through hoops that weren’t possible to be responsible because others weren’t, to be perfect when not capable, to be fearful and become non-confrontational. That was a lot of weight on the shoulders of a 6 year old. That was the start of my non-confrontational, conforming and fearful life.
Now an adult, I spent twenty years in two abusive marriages. I was successful in business, yet privately my personal life was a disaster. Being told who I am, what I feel, what I like or dislike, what I need or don’t need, when to come and go, I was a prisoner in my own home. My opinion wasn’t important, my value ZERO. I stayed out of fear, because He was “trying”, I had to forgive, divorce wasn’t an option, and somewhere deep down, I had to prove that love could be unconditional.
There were multiple times in the hospital. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse in the name of love. Getting out of that situation and the ramifications of it has been the most difficult time of my life. I finally left my husband. My body was safe, but I was a disaster inside. I had to redefine what love was. I fell apart and couldn’t handle my emotional state. I wanted to “flatline,” make all these emotions go away. I started using cocaine in any form available twenty-four/seven. My life was falling apart. I lost me. Out of pride, I withheld this from my family, the people who truly loved me in the correct definition. I can handle this, I couldn’t burden them, I thought. I isolated myself.
I did get myself physically off of drugs for a time. I became a workaholic. I finally felt like I was capable and ready for a personal relationship. That’s when everything went bad again. I realized that the inside of me had never gotten “clean” from all the abuse. I started using drugs again! There was a severe flaw in me, I thought. I couldn’t let anyone know I was using again, I isolated myself. I had failed. I didn’t need anyone to help me. Boy was I wrong!
When the light went out of my eyes, my family noticed. I was no longer “there.” They thought they had lost me forever. That’s when they stepped in and asked if I wanted help. I said, “YES PLEASE!”
I came to NARCONON SUNCOAST.
The program is nothing that I thought it would be. The Drug-free Withdrawal was like coming home to family. They truly care about everything you haven’t in a long, long time.
The New Life Detoxification Program got me back in touch with my heart and the feelings I had pushed down so far I didn’t even recognize them.
The Objectives Course healed my memories, those that had constantly thrown me into using drugs. The “demons” I fought in there, I have finally left behind.
The tools NARCONON has given me, through Life Skills has put me in the position of strength and power instead of fear and retreat. To find who I really am and who I’ve always been inside is such a liberating experience. I will be forever grateful for the freedom I now have to live my life in the TRUE definition of Love.