I Can’t Believe the Amazing Person I’ve Become
I was a hopeless person for a long time—well over ten years. I had hit the ultimate rock bottom a few years ago but nothing changed in my world. I continued the same lifestyle of breaking the law, using any drug with no regard for others or myself. I had tried numerous times to get clean and I always ended up with the same results. I had to believe and have faith that I was capable and willing to do something different.
I arrived here on Christmas Eve 2015. A couple of weeks prior, I was told about Narconon and I can still remember the text message I got from my aunt. My birthday is the 23rd of December and she had told me that she had a gift for me. I wasn’t working so I was scheming family and my so-called friends to continue getting high. I always had something brewing in my head on how I could keep from getting sick which, in my eyes, was staying afloat. My standards for my life were far from acceptable to either my family or myself but I didn’t care. I had given up on life or ever being happy again.
I didn’t smile or laugh anymore and that is what I missed the most. I could still remember vaguely what that was like. I wanted that again and I wanted to feel free from this ball and chain of mental and physical imprisonment. So, the day my family asked me to get help, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to break free from the lifestyle either. I was so addicted to drugs and the lifestyle that came with them, I saw no solution. I was miserable and scared of change. I was headed to the grave fast if I didn’t find the courageous person within me. I didn’t feel courageous. I felt weak, hazy, depressed, and not far from doing myself in or praying one last shot would kill me. It had ripped me from everything else so it could at least do me the favor I thought I wanted.
I got here in the evening after long layovers and withdrawals starting. I could not wait to land and get picked up and get to detox. I weighed 115 lbs and I was tired and hungry. The alcohol I consumed on the flight made me feel worse. I spent ten days in withdrawal and I remember feeling impatient. I was used to that instant fix so anything else was painful and uncomfortable to deal with but I knew this was my last chance. I knew I didn’t have another relapse in me. I fought every day as hard as I could. Of course, it was different from med detox but after I moved on to sauna I realized how it made me appreciate that pain and discomfort. It made me realize even more that I would never want to put myself through that hell on earth again and I’m very appreciative of that being my viewpoint on it today.
The Sauna Detoxification Program was really cool to me. That is when I started to truly feel good again. It took a couple of weeks, but loading my body up with vitamins, water, food, and knowing I made it over the hump kept pushing me to get more of the desired life I wanted and that young girl back I remembered that was so full of life.
Don’t get me wrong, sauna wasn’t easy. For many, many years I thought getting off drugs was all there was to a sober life but that is actually the easier part. I felt great physically but yet I still knew there was more work to do and I was more than willing to keep pushing because my alternative would be me trying to handle things on my own. That was not an option because my way always ended with bad results. I started Objectives and of course, I wasn’t a 100% believer that this would help me, let alone make me reveal things about myself that could have possibly led me to drugs in the first place.
I had many realizations in Objectives—I learned a lot about my behavior that affected me negatively and realizations that led me all the way back to my childhood and the events in my life that changed my point of view on both my parents and myself. When I got to Life Skills, I knew getting people out of my life that I considered “friends” was important and crucial for my recovery. These people were not my friends and deep down I always knew that staying in contact with them would only return me to the lifestyle I was done with. I realized in the Life Skills part of the program how my attitude hindered me. I had been selfish, disrespectful, dishonest and that really is not who I am. After writing up my past transgressions and getting honest, I felt lighter. I didn’t feel like the weight of the world was on me anymore.
The person I was over 2 years ago and the person I am today is night and day. I have my life back. I’m clean. I’m sober. And most importantly, I’m happy! I still have moments where I can’t believe it.
I have the Narconon program to thank for this.
M. P.—Narconon Suncoast Graduate