Will Anything Ever Change?

addiction

I want you to do something for me. Breathe in, and breathe out—slowly. Compose yourself. Let this moment be YOU, breathing in and out. Go ahead, inhale deeply and exhale slowly…Okay, good…Now, I want you to feel yourself…Acknowledge your presence…Do you feel that? Can you feel your heart beating? If you can’t, I want you to place your hand over your heart…Now can you feel it? Alright, we’re ready.

What’s going on with you? Are you alright? Could you or the things in your life be better? Right now, in this moment, I hope you understand—things are always changing. Is that comforting to you or is it a somewhat terrifying notion?

Change.

We can always count on it to be happening to and around each one of us. Constantly adapting to the experience, we’re destined to forever be in a state of transformation. It’s beautiful. It’s jaded. It’s the essence of consciousness and reality. To go through or to witness is to experience. To stay vigilant and aware is to gain understanding—this has become overwhelmingly true for me.

It wasn’t that long ago that I couldn’t see myself succeeding. Sitting crouched between two dumpsters in an alleyway preparing to inject a shot of cocaine and heroin, I was hiding. Hiding from the pain. Hiding from my failure. It was a moment in my life I’ll never forget.

Fear

The pain and confusion I was subjecting myself to had worn me down. Feeling as though I could accomplish nothing other than self-medicating my sorrow, I had an immense anxiety about doing anything other than numbing my confusion with heroin and cocaine. The very real fear that failure would crash down upon me as it always had in the past suffocated my reasoning. I couldn’t see myself changing. What was I to do to make my life go right? What If I’m not good enough? These questions plagued my consciousness like a tree dying of infection. I had ideas. I had tried different things in the past. Ultimately, I never got strict enough in my intentions or methods to actually manifest anything lasting. I had chosen a trajectory of self-abhorrence and pity. I had chosen the path of least resistance and more so, least responsibility.

This wasn’t the first time I had injected drugs under the cover of a dumpster. It sadly had become a normal part of my life. Buried deep underneath my self-medicating and self- destructive practices, aspirations lay dormant. What if I wasn’t my families’ most embarrassing blemish? What if I could get my act together? What if I could actually be happy? What if I could be a professional writer? What if I actually made a difference in somebody’s life? What if I actually accomplished something meaningful? Having all these aspirations of a “normal” life, I let my insecurities and past failures get the better of me. I found myself living day-to-day by the tip of a needle and this wasn’t the way to get what I wanted in life. I had struggled for many years to uphold confidence within myself and my abilities. What if I could actually make progress in achieving even just a fraction of the ideas I had?

What if?

Eventually, after trial, error, more trial, rehab, more error, rehab again, and a total of 8 years of using drugs and going through a rough learning curve—I understood wholeheartedly that if I wanted my life to become something meaningful and of any value, I had to learn. I had to expand. I had to create.

It’s been nearly 5 months now from when I was last crouched behind the cover of a dumpster—with my life in the dumps, pun intended. I didn’t just magically end up here. I worked hard to get here. My current condition in life isn’t the by-product of “sort of” trying. Where I am at this very moment is the distillation of admittance, help, love, and effort. What if I told you things didn’t have to be so hard? What if I were to acknowledge your struggle? Would that make it any better…really, would it make your circumstances change? You, me, and anyone else who is willing have within us the ability to make change happen in and around our lives. Knowing how to do it is often the hardest part—it doesn’t always come the first time. I’m still learning how to master the tools and trades of life, but I’m gaining traction. The understanding of how to impact myself and this planet to the degree that I wish is a matter to which I will never give up. I have ideas and hopes for one day inspiring greatness amongst the people around me. I understand though, that first, I have to be solid in my beliefs. My understanding of exactly what is it that I want to accomplish has to be clear.

What do you want to accomplish?

AUTHOR

Tim

Tim is a creative writer and staff member at Narconon Suncoast. As a recovered addict himself, he has made it his goal to educate and inspire those still suffering.

NARCONON SUNCOAST

DRUG EDUCATION AND REHABILITATION