All Alone on a Bathroom Floor

 

All that comes to mind when I think of my life before coming to Narconon Suncoast is me, alone, sitting on my bathroom floor, crying because the very thing I had given my life to no longer took my pain away. I was begging to a higher power to please let this be the last shot, because all I wanted to do was die. I can remember saying that I would never shoot up. Before I knew it, the veins in my neck, my arms and my hands no longer worked. My brother was always worried about me, having to take me on drug runs and calling me nonstop because he didn’t trust that I wouldn’t blow our rent and food money on dope.

I no longer trusted myself with my kids. I was robbing people and doing other things I never thought I would do. I hated myself. I pushed people who cared away from me. I had no respect for myself or anyone else. I tried very hard to control my using and attempted to quit on my own but I just couldn’t. I’d always end up saying “Screw it, I’m just a lost cause and a bad mother.” I left treatment this past April, met a guy and was then not only IV’ing heroin but also shooting up crack as well.

Things continued to spiral downward until I finally reached out to my daughter’s father for help after a two-week period of a pure, living hell. I tried going to a 2-week detox where I was going to be put on Suboxone, but this didn’t work either. During this process, I was in contact with a counselor from Narconon Suncoast who continued to try and help me over the phone. He never gave up trying to reach me, just to make sure that I was okay, even when I’d ignore his calls. When I would come down off of whatever drugs I was on I would text him back, sometimes in the middle of the night….and he always responded, was always there for me.

This continued until I got kicked out of the detox center and when that happened I told myself that I was meant to go to Narconon Suncoast. Two days later I was on a plane heading here and although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was literally heading toward the best decision I could have ever made for myself and for my children. All I knew on that plane ride was that I was going to die if I didn’t give this one more try.

When I first heard that the withdrawal portion of the program was drug-free, I wondered what was wrong with these people. No drugs? Looking back at that time now, I realize this was the first treatment center that I’d ever been to where I didn’t want to leave, like all of the other places I’d tried before. I always had a staff member with me who wouldn’t let me stay stuck in my head and being miserable.

When I got out of withdrawal, I thought to myself, “that was the best and easiest withdrawal ever…no really bad thoughts of using.” Sauna was simple and within my first week of being in there, I was a believer. I noticed my body and my face coming back to life, and there were so many days that I felt really good just sweating out all of the poisons that I had injected into my body.

I feel so amazing since finishing the objectives portion of the program, which was my favorite part so far. Now that I’ve finished objectives I am so much more aware and have answers to some of the reasons why I gave up on myself so easily. I have thought more about how to work on me, so that I can have a life, than I have about getting high. I realize now that those feelings have passed, that I’m no longer an addict and that I don’t have to live with a disease anymore.

Thanks to Narconon Suncoast, I actually have hope today and I am excited to wake up in the morning, knowing that I am going to be working on myself instead of worrying about how I’m going to get my next fix. I’ve been to 2 other programs and 3 detoxes, none of which worked and all of which I wanted to leave. I went from feeling like a lost cause and a hopeless drug fiend to someone who wants to learn more about themselves and actually live a normal life. My children are proud of me for getting help and best of all, I’m finally proud of myself.

S.D.