I’m Now the Person I Was Meant to Be
Growing up, I watched my parents fight more than they talked, which was rarely because my dad was always at work. He was only home every few weeks, but every time he was, they fought. I told myself when I grew up I would never be in that kind of a marriage. When I was 23, I got married and thought it was my happily ever after; I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was so set on not fighting with my husband that I would lie about the smallest things just to avoid a fight. I would say I wasn’t tired and go out to the bar with him just so he wouldn’t be mad at me. I wouldn’t open up to him about things that were bothering me so I didn’t have to confront it and cause an argument. The more I did this, the easier it became and the more miserable I was. I got to the point where I hated him. Instead of talking about the things that bothered me and seeing if they could be fixed, I chose to divorce him. It came as a shock to him and yet again, I lied about the reason.
A few months after I filed for divorce, I was having trouble facing what was going on and started drinking heavily. One night, while hanging out with a friend, I was pretty drunk and was offered cocaine. The weeks prior, I had always turned it down but this night I accepted it. I liked it… a lot. From that night for the next two years, I did a lot of coke, almost every night. That wasn’t all. A month after that first night, I was given a pain pill by another friend. He said it would help my back and neck pain and instead of finding out why I was in pain, I chose to cover it up with pain pills. One more thing I could use to numb myself with. It was also one more thing I had to lie about. Lying to myself that I didn’t have a problem and to my friends and family.
A few months into my drug use I stopped hanging around those friends that actually cared about me and only hung around my new friends that all used drugs. I had my parents fooled into thinking I was fine, they helped me get into an apartment of my own. I lied to everyone and more to myself. I didn’t have a problem, I was in pain and this was the only thing that helped. The only thing it helped was not confronting what was really going on in my life. I had quit working and barely talked to my mom who lived 10 minutes away. I spent the next year fighting to get sober and fighting sometimes for my life with my abusive boyfriend. After my lease was up for my apartment and my boyfriend almost killed me, I moved out of my hometown to Orlando. Thinking running away from that town and him would help to get and stay sober was far from right.
My pill addiction got worse, I struggled in Orlando for almost 2 years with pill addiction and getting myself so stoned I couldn’t remember my name. I was constantly lying to my mom about money so I could afford pills and weed. I decided to once again move back home to my parents, now in a different town, to try and get sober again. It didn’t work. I was so set in my ways of lying and keeping things inside and not confronting things that every time I tried to get sober I would convince myself I didn’t have a problem. Everything came to a head in March 2017. I got really messed up on pills and stole $650 out of my mom’s purse. I got caught because I dropped some of it on the floor and didn’t realize, but she did. I lied yet again. A few days later I was out of that money and out of pills. I was also out of options. I woke up Monday, March 20th and I was done. I was done with the lying to myself and everyone around me. I was done with the everyday worry about where the next high was coming from and where and how I was getting the money. I was done with coming up with lies to tell my mom so she would give me money. I was done with having to wait until my parents went to bed to steal out of my mom’s purse. I was just done.
I got dressed and went outside to where my mom was. I lit a cigarette and the tears came instantly. I told her everything. After that, I spent the next 24 hours at the hospital going through withdrawals before going to a medical detox center, puking the whole way there. A ride I will never forget. I spent 6 days there and by the time I left I was on top of the world and feeling amazing. I spent the next 6 days at a 12 step rehab that was awful. April 3rd two staff from Narconon Suncoast met my parents and I at that rehab and we spoke for about 2 hours. At the end of the conversation, I said “Well, my bags are already packed, when do we leave?”
I’ve spent the last 78 days at Narconon Suncoast becoming the happiest person I’ve been in my whole life. I was nervous at first. I had never heard of such a program and wasn’t sure how it would really work for me, but after trying a 12 step program and hating it, I was willing to try anything to help myself, as were my parents. Since completing this program, I feel like I have a clear conscious and clean body, which is something that’s been weighing on me for years. I feel like I can go forward from here and be an honest and sober person. I can be a member of society that people can look up to instead of a drain on people around me and my family. I thank my mom everyday for finding this place. It has really been a life saver and I feel like I’m turning into the person I was really meant to be.
T.L. - Narconon Suncoast Student
