Make Life Truly Worth Living
Deciding to go to drug treatment is a hard decision. It’s a hard decision for the addict because they have to confront the fact that they lost control of their life, did some unforgivable things and let drug use destroy them to the point where their lives became completely unmanageable. It’s even more difficult for the families of the addict, who are now faced with choosing the right treatment center, dealing with the embarrassment of having an addict in the family and deciding whether or not to let the rest of the family know what’s going on.
On choosing to go and get help for an addiction, a Narconon Suncoast staff member reminisces on his choice to get clean:
“I used to think I was worldly because I had experienced things that many people didn’t understand. That because I had been homeless, a junkie, a panhandler, that I had some invisible high horse that people needed to find a pedestal to meet me eye-to-eye on what it meant to live life. I thought I knew a lot about what the world had to offer, but in my effort to experience ’life,’ I had become bitter, cynical, and a drug addict. I could go into all the various highs and lows that come with living that life and I could tell you not to do it, and morally, ethically, and statistically why you shouldn’t. I could pour my heart out and you might feel some sympathy for the situations I put myself in, and the outcomes of them. But there’s something more important that I’ve learned since turning my life around—since being clean.
“Everyone has their reasons for going down that road and I had mine. I burned bridges, made the wrong friends and the worst decisions. I squandered any potential I had at creating a good life for myself, despite all the talks I got from my parents on ’applying myself ’ and how capable I could be if I just stopped doing the things I was doing. I disregarded people and ran from my problems, and then made the people in my life wrong because they didn’t understand. How could they? I was the one disregarding them and running away from them and life; refusing any attempt they made to help.
“I came home one night, I was high, my mom was asleep but my father was still awake. I walked over to him to ’check in.’ He started talking to me about how he didn’t want me to grow up and have regrets for the things I didn’t do, or should’ve done. I didn’t understand that at the time. I was doing all the things I wanted to do, I was getting high, I was having fun, I had no responsibilities, and no connection to anyone who would tell me I was doing the wrong thing. I had set up my life the way I wanted it to be, so how could I have any regrets? I walked away, yet again, disregarding what my father had to say.
“I kept pushing, pushing myself further and further away from people who cared, from a true life for myself. My motivation was no longer to have fun, but just to maintain a high I no longer felt. The people around me were not my friends but a social means to an end as far as getting the drugs that I wanted. I would, more often than not, find myself wherever the day took me or to whatever public bathroom stall was quiet enough for me to shoot up heroin in. I would be in houses and apartments, closed down buildings, and party spots, more worried about how much I would drool on myself, how many cigarette burns I would have in my pants by the end of the night, or how far my eyes would roll in the back of my head then actually looking at where I put myself in life. If you asked me how things were going, I was ’fine.’ I had friends, and I was doing all the things I wanted to do.
“Naturally, things progressed in all the wrong ways, that uneasiness creeping in when you feel things aren’t going the way you intended them. The nervousness when you lay your head down at night to go to sleep and you start to think that maybe some people you’ve pushed away may have been right. Sadly, for myself and others, this is not the point where you get your life together. This is the point when you end up trying to get clean, but often times failing. Giving up on further attempts, you just succumb to what is, and what is, is no longer what you wanted. I’m by myself now, in that public bathroom stall, knowing full well I could overdose from what I was about to do, but who would care? I’ve already made it abundantly clear to everyone that I didn’t.
“This isn’t a life. None of this makes you worldly, or successful. Life is about connections and growing. I found this out at the end of my rope. I had gone so far off the rails that the people who cared about me had to intervene and help me, despite all my protests otherwise. I thought that I was only responsible for myself, that I wasn’t hurting anyone else, but after years of disconnecting, and countless tears I didn’t know were shed, I found out how wrong I was about most things I held to be true. I went to Narconon because I couldn’t keep living the way I was living, because people truly living don’t walk around, day to day, more dead than alive, high and alone. I thought at the point that I went to Narconon that I had nothing, but that couldn’t be more untrue; I just never really took a look at what I had the whole time.
“I had a family, I had people who cared about me, and when I ’applied myself ’ I had a good head on my shoulders. As time went on, I realized how much of life I didn’t really know, how much good there was and how many things there were in the world to experience. I started making connections, I started growing, and I started living for the first time in a long time. I started handling my problems and started to be responsible for not only myself, but for others. I had a life I could’ve been living the whole time, it was such a shame that I had chosen to disregard the people in it and ultimately myself for so long. This must be the regret my father talked about.
“It’s never too late, however, to turn things around and it’s never too late to make a life for yourself, to appreciate the people in it and grow and learn as an individual, a friend, and a son. It wasn’t quick, it wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. After I went to Narconon, I learned that the quality of life off drugs has to be better than the quality of life on drugs or there’s really no point in changing. I could’ve stayed an ignorant junkie, but if I had, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.
“Life is a beautiful thing, don’t limit yourself, create something better for yourself, apply yourself, and sometimes you may have regrets over some things, but never let that hinder you. Pick yourself back up. Take a deep breath and look at your life. Make it something you want to live and don’t waste it chasing a high because if you do, you’ll miss all the things worth truly chasing.”
J.K. – Narconon Graduate and Staff Member
